fires and not waking up.

"I had this dream that
I was on an airplane
Afraid to fly...
So I tipped my head
to the side and
I whispered
To this man
that was in the isle
I said "do you know
how long it takes
before we die?"
And then
I rolled awake."
-A Rocket to the Moon.


At night, my mind likes to run wild with ideas, and what ifs. The latest has been, what would I do if my house caught fire, or if I never woke up would I be content with life? I have the worse fear of death and I know I shouldn't fear it, because it's promised. I pray every day to keep my loved ones and myself in good health. I don't know what I would do if one of them passed and what about me? If I ...died. What would the reaction be? I don't want to think about, but honestly if I died I wouldn't be content with my life, I have so much more to offer, to learn, to experience, to enjoy.

I'm a hoarder. I can't throw things away. My room is filled with old pieces of paper. Old memories, things that made me smile, things that made me cry, things I want to remember. I throw nothing away. If a fire was to catch I don't know what I would do. I'd run for my cat, but beside that, everything would be gone. Everything that built me up, my family up, my friendships. Not to mention we'd have nothing and my Mom would have to work 3 times as hard as she already does. She works so hard. I want to help her :/.

I hope I'm not jinxing myself by typing this. I really pray that this will never occur. I'm terrified :[.