vent

I've been staring at this blankness for the past 10 minutes or so. My mind is racing with stuff I want to pour out and I can't even get my words straight. My sentence fragments are gunna run into each other and form a gigantic mess of utter nonsense. I guess I should start with one issue then move on, but which...

I'll start from the beginning of the day?

or from right now.. _ _ _ _ _ _ I'm fucking tired of you signing off without so much as a goodbye yet along an I love you. >:|I also have a feeling you as well as some other people aren't completely who you say you are. :/

Next..

_ _ _ _ _ came down. Up whatever. I didn't think I'd care I actually thought it'd be awkward but we got along pretty fucking well and I must say I love being around her. I don't want to fucking type ugh...Has a girlfriend won't cheat on her but yeah screwed me over. Hurts. More hurt. Confusion. 15 yr olds. Jersey. Fucking ugh. You get it? I like her and I can't fucking trust her. I want to and I want to change her so she can be trusted but I don't know if I can do it. I'm not good for much, I learned that today.

Whennnnnnnnnnnnnn I was tricked into thinking this prick who ruined my fucking life actually cared enough to be the littlest thing as a friend to me. I'm sure even you Stranger know the story of _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ and me. 2 years of fucking lies. My 7 month depression, the reason I fucked myself completely over now. We've been talking. Innocently.. so I thought. Just how are you's and what's up's. I stopped being crazy, he stopped being an asshole. Things seemed good like we could be friends. He was calling me a bunch and I was cocky..maybe too much for my own good. "He misses me.. He obviously thought about me and called. He wants to see me :O! Score!" It's the point that I want him back it's the point I want him to know he's missing out. So Tuesday we had plans, "I woke up late" Friday we had plans.. calls today.. Sunday by the way.. to tell me him and _ _ _ _ _ _ _ had a fight. So he couldn't come. Okay fine. More how are you's and what are you doing's. Thenn some "Send me a naked pic.." Nigga no! Are you kidding me? Why do you even care? "I wanna see if you changed" -.- Then like 4 calls within an hour and then finally.."Yo me and my cousin will come there right now to see you." Um..I'm gunna be with Nessa. "Bring her.." Okay let me ask. Nessa says no but me the asshole wants to see him so bad so I keep telling him to come meanwhile I'm fucking shaking and so nervous with a gut feeling something is wrong.."Do you have any other friends?" Why does it matter? I won't shun your cousin we'll all chill. "Well I mean if me and you are gunna be doing shit then.." What? "Like what do you wanna do? We're gunna fuck around and stuff, we got the car." You sneaky fucking bastard i had the jist of what you were saying.. Trust me. I just played dumb cus I didn't want to believe you. "Okay. I'll txt you when we're on our way" Txts me soon.

"so we goin in afew..let me ask u sumthing....can we have sex?"

"dude are you serious..whats going on?"

"yea im serious.....wuts wrong if dats to much let me know now...and dnt say shyt to noone"

"i thought like you wanted to come see me and shit. like old times if thats all your intentions please dont come. im nervous as shit already and i dont want this to be awkward"

"y u nervous for?"

A phone call then consisted of..

"No I'm not gunna do that..Why would you even want too when you have a kid and basically a wife at home"

"I told you what we say and do stays between us."

"You obviously haven't changed and I just wanted to see you. Be friends, I stopped being crazy, you stopped being an asshole. Things were going good. Things were kinda normal. I thought you wanted to come and see how I was doing and all. Honestly, I don't know if you care but you were my first love and I'm always gunna have love for you and it hurts that I haven't seen you in two years and your trying for this before you even seen me for the first time."

"Aight fine so you not down we not coming"

"Okay fine."

-Hang up.

I gave that boy everything. every piece of me. I disobeyed so much of my parents, I lost so much childhood, I went against so many of my morals to keep him. I grew up too fast and I was stupid and still am. I swear he has me cursed and I feel like I have to burn the past in order to move on in the future, meaning all the old shit I still have from him.

Once again he's made me feel like I'm not worth anything to anyone. I'm good enough for people online. People who can't manipulate me and mold me into their play toys that
they can take advantage of. I'm good enough for sex. For a shoulder to lean on. For when they need me but not for love, trust, the truth, happiness.

I give my all and it's never enough for them or to get their all in return. I forgive, I move on, I cave in, I trust, I love, and I see the very small good in people too easily. I have to big of a heart.

I cried on the way to Vanessa's house. In the goddamn rain. I vented about everything and anything. I'm sure there's more I left out but whatever. I'm sure you've heard enough. Eventually he txted me..

"listen im srry ight so dnt be offended ight dat aint eva gonna happen again...u right"

I didn't answer..

God _ _ _ _ _ _. 2 fucking months. It's been two days and I'm breaking down without you.

Thought I throw in some more fucked up shit in the world.

God, as well as my usual prayers please include in Christopher Jayden [Ambrose] ..this boy is too young to go through this. I don't even know him and I cried. 2 types of cancer, 3 brain tumors.. just turned 17. It breaks my heart. He's so strong..don't let him down. I'm crying again. Ambrose by the way means Eternal life or I want to live forever. He chose it as his Confirmation name. Please God.