Left Notes By Your Bedpost.

It'd be quite lovely if I could live in a Wonderland. A Neverland. Somewhere far from here. This is'nt another rant about how I hate the world. More of a how I'm unhappy with myself. I have no motivation to fix the things I want to but yet I sulk in self pity about them. I'm young, it's not too late to change them, I tell myself and yet I waste another day with pure nothingness.

I'm almost positive I've developed an anxiety disorder. There's not a day I don't think about what if's and death. Disaster. Anything. I'm scared to fall asleep in fear of not waking up. I'm scared to venture out in fear of the unknown. I use to be the most optimistic person, always ready to live in the moment. Now I see the moments are scarce. I pray regularly to keep my loved ones safe. To keep us on earth another day. I literally cry from fear at points for no reason. Cry because of crazy thoughts. When I'm short of breath, I take the biggest breath I can just to make sure it's not slowly stopping. Slowly cutting me off. I worry constantly, I fear constantly, hell lately I cry constantly. I don't want to let my Mom know. I don't want to give her more issues. More problems, More bills.

I want to be something better. I want to get myself together, be what I want to be so if something does happen God forbid I'll be content with myself, with my life. I need a push, and I need guidance, but I know I'll get no help unless I help myself. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference" Marissa turned me on to that quote. It's a good outlook on things.

Christmas is nearly here :D My Christmas list is a bit ridiculous but I'm hoping it goes well with the big man in red ;) As with everything on my list I'm hoping for some money. I'm itchinggggg for a new tattoo :]. I got a few in mind,

This along the top of my back :]
The dark mark on my arm :]

I'm definitely gunna work on an Alice in Wonderland half sleeve:] No pictures yet though.
I'd like to get a cute anchor as well.
But I think my next one is gunna be "We're temporary anyway" in script somwhere. I'm undecided. My backpiece is 400. I'll wait. :] hahaha.

My Christmas list is pretty hardcore though. I want my camera so I can start my photography:] The shit I have suckssss. :]

Anyway, it's 3:51am. Bedtime? I don't know I slept like 4 hours and I'm not tired. I'll be sorry tomorrow however when I get my txts early. :/

Goodnight Darlings.