taylor.

I can honestly say, I'm in love with you more then anyone. There's nothing more I want to run back to you but I just can't, you don't see what you do. You don't. Everyone told me to forget you, I never did. As many times as you left, I never did. Just last month I was asking for you back and you put me on hod for some bitch in Ohio. It just seems iffy to see your options are gone and now you want me back. Cus when I was gone, you ran to Becca and when Becca was gone you ran to me and when we both were gone you ran to Ohio and now They're both gone and your back to me. Back trying to wiggle your way in with you sweet words and I love you's which is all I fucking asked for when we dated. Why now Taylor? Why now? The beginning of this letter is probably gunna be harsh but it's all the hurt bottled up. I'm gunna try to get all my thoughts out though they're jumbled and confused right now. You had me in tears of course. You never appreciated me. You never gave me any bit of what I should have had. When you had me you abused me. I was so in love with you Taylor. Still am. Nothing ever changed and I don't know why. I Literally spent maybe like a month a half with you out of the year that I know you. It's going on a year Taylor and all I had was hell from you and I still fucking love you. You've ripped me apart in so many ways. Not only with what you do.. but with what I do. I do shit way less then what you have done and you make a big deal. You make it so hard to even build with you. I wish it were easier. All the times I fucking tried. I think about you all the time. I hurt over you all the time. I'm hurting right now. Why couldn't you take me sooner. Cus I'm taken now and your jealous of it or something? I watched you taken so many times. Push me away so many times. Say you don't care so many times. Fucking cut yourself over other people. Say they mean more. I always felt like I was just a pretty face to you. You never cared enough for anything else. I had just came out and I didn't even fucking care about holding your hand in public. Putting you on my myspace. Telling my friends, fucking tattooing myself in memory of you. Like you never understand that. You weren't just a girlfriend to me. You were my first girlfriend. You were like a whole new first love and you destroyed me. You worked your magic to get me then just sat there and let me slip. I miss your touch. I miss holding you. I miss your hand in mine. Our times, our kisses. Everything. I always think about it. You in my bed. Me living with you. I miss your family. Your dog. Your friends. Waking up and walking to get you at school. Falling asleep with you even though most nights you turned your back to me. I miss showing you off and spending time with you. Taylor, when you say sweet things to me, and hold me like you care, and do all those amazing shits your so good with, I literally soar. I feel so good. My heart fucking jumps and I can't even explain to you. Now when you say them I can literally feel my heart break. I double over and I cry at the first couple words. So many months wasted. I still have your letters, your ring. They're packed away cus I can't even look at them. I'm suprised I can even stare at my arm, but I guess it just always makes me feel like I still have a piece of you even though your tried to pass it on to Becca. You never cherished anything I did. Probably burnt my letter when you tore apart my bear. It hurts so bad to love and be treated like shit Taylor and I know you know that. I tried to heal you. To keep you happy even when I wasn't. All I ever did was love you and all you ever did was push me away. I really do accept your apology Taylor. I'm not trying to yell at you. I know you meant it and maybe if you can talk to me that way I first met you we can make up. Build whatever but I'm terrified to run back to you right now, it doesn't feel right and I can't do that to Mike. We've waited two years for this. You're gunna have to wait like I did and I hope you don't give up, cus I never did. I hope you never stop loving me cus I never will and I hope we can get close again cus it hurts so much more being without you. It's killing me to turn you down. It's killing me that I'm hurting you. I love you so fucking much Taylor. I'd never lie about that. I don't love anyone like Ilove you. You're always first in my heart. After all this time. Please don't ever leave me and I'm sorry. I love you. I love you so much. Just cus I'm doing this doesn't mean I don't care. TKO&KMP forever. We'll have it back one day. I promise. Please take care of yourself and fix this with me. I'm pretty sure I've let out a ton of shit and half of what I wrote wasn't nice but know it's all just words of hurt and I don't hate you. As much as I say I do I never can hate you. I love you more then anything. I just want everything to be okay. I love you Taylor Kaitlyn Olson. One day I will have your last name on the end of mine. Like we always planned. I'm in fucking tears baby. I'm so sorry, I love you.